Delicious

Thank you! Thank you!

2007-06-19T10:17:00.000Z

Phew! We, your writers and hosts, just wanted to say thank you for your patience while we took a longer than usual break from posting news about our sitcom, Delicious. As Writers and Producers (yeah, we know it sound pretentious but…) we needed to take a bit of a back seat while the really clever people got on doing whatever they do to make this pilot look something like a…err…pilot. But that’s just it you see, it’s not really a pilot, it’s a sort of introduction to the characters of Delicious. So if you are expecting some sort of sitcom then you're in for a disappointment. The sitcom comes later when some bright producer, yes there are a few out there, sees the potential of the characters in the DVD and wakes us up at five in the morning banging on our doors with a golden handcuffs contract and a lawyer with a suitcase full of used £20 notes begging us to sign on the dotted line. Do they still have dotted lines? Do lawyers and producers bang on writer's doors at five in the morning? Probably not, but we like the sound of the handcuffs if they're available….ahem…. sorry, we digress.

This whole thing could not have started without the goodwill of everyone involved, and there were quite a few:

the bloke that tells everyone what he wants
the person that shouts at everyone on behalf of that bloke
the people that read the scripts and then say the words
the owner of the place we filmed in
that geezer we used with a camera on his shoulder
matey with all the lights
the fella with the fuzzy thing on the end of a pole

The list goes on an on and on. They've probably got proper job titles but we wouldn't have a clue about that. All we know is that they're all talented individuals and we are very grateful that those involved, after reading the scripts, decided to put their reputations on the line to help us realise our dream. We thank you all.

Coming soon will be reaction from the Delicious Dishes team. God help us.

Have we got news for you?

2007-05-22T19:56:00.000Z

Have we? Oh yeah. Big news. We've been filming with cameras and lights and everything. It's so exciting that we can't find the words right now but we'll be back soon with a full report. And no doubt the Delicious team will have their say about seeing themselves portrayed on film. That's if we can find them. Last thing we saw of Harvey he was enjoying himself at the wrap party. Not that there was a wrap party but any excuse for a drink and Harvey's there.

Y'all come back now!

Oscar

2007-04-13T10:46:00.000Z

Since we told the guys and gals at Delicious Dishes that we're planning to make stars of them they've gone all poncy and Hollywood on us and are unwilling to communicate unless it's through their agents. This has meant a lack of posts as we, your hosts and writers, have been left holding the baby. Not a real baby, we've been told off about doing that before, more of a catering baby. Harvey and the gang have left us in charge of the shop while they "raise their profile".

We've also been left holding another baby. A comedy baby if you like. 'Delicious' the showreel is in pre-production with lots of exciting things happening which we don't fully understand because we're just namby-pamby writers who sit at our computers all day drinking Gin and looking at the internet. As soon as we've grasped the inner workings of television production we'll post about it. In the meantime, we've a queue of angry customers wanting their ham and brie baguettes so best get back to it.

Cheerio!

Premium

2007-03-09T18:35:00.000Z

Just got a call from ITV2 to say the reason they've not taken on Delicious is because we'd attached a premium rate phone line to each episode so viewers can vote out a character. Apparently they don't do that sort of thing anymore. Once again our timing is crap.

If you'd like to hear that call then pick up your phones and dial 0999 999 999. Calls cost a bloody fortune but you'll definitely hear it. No really, you will. Honest.

Delicious on...Themselves

2007-03-06T09:36:00.000Z

Okay so we’ve written the scripts, we’ve sent them out, we’ve twiddled our thumbs and waited…and waited…and er…waited. So apart from the odd ‘Thank you but’ letter/email we, your writers and hosts, have decided to do something more positive to take Delicious that one step further in getting it to a screen near you. Okay, that’s a TV screen but you get the picture?

We know producers have a limited imagination, hell, have you seen some of the drivel that passes for entertainment these days? So we're going to shoot a few scenes from each episode using a real Deli and yes, some real actors too. That’s clever that is. We plan to send this compilation off, along with the scripts so said producers can actually see what Delicious would look like. Let’s face it, they need all the help they can get. We wonder what the Delicious team would make of all this….

The Writers: Well talk about a cat amongst the pigeons! We’ve just let the team know actors will be coming in to play them on tape. Talk about conceited! No, we’ll let them do that.

Harvey: An actor playing me? Who? Has to be someone tall, dark and handsome yes? Come on, who is it? There’s Clooney I suppose or else that Bond Craig bloke in the shorts. Shorts aren’t good in a kitchen. Too much hot fat around. Can’t be him can it? He’s not tall and dark for a start but then neither am I. I’m good with shorts though. Vodka, gin, brandy. Sometimes I drink them in separate glasses too. I wonder what a Martini tastes like.

Kate: I’m sorry but I’d have to get full approval before you can get someone to play me. She would have to know her lines. Not some airhead who blows it at every take. No, she will have to be classically trained of course. A younger Judi Dench for example. Send me a list and I’ll let you know my decision when I have a window free.

Voyto: Jude Law. And he would have to move in with me to study my every move. To get my mannerisms just so of course. I’m very complicated. Yes, I think Jude would have to live with me for at least three weeks before he would be ready. That’s three weeks. Night AND day.

Matt: Actors? They make me puke! What do they know about food eh? Have you seen any convincing actors playing chefs? No one springs to mind do they? Didn’t think so. Now piss off. Mind you thinking about it, my ex said I reminded her of Sean Bean once. She kept calling me Mr Bean so yeah, maybe he’ll do. But he’d better not do any of my signature dishes. If he so much as touches one of my recipes, I’ll rip his poncy actorish head off. And you can tell him I said that!

Olli: I’m playing me. There’s no one else who can do it with my unique style. I’ll be good, I really will. I did this audition once, it was for Lady Chatterly’s Lover and I was to play Mellors but the actress playing Lady Chatterly didn’t turn up so the director had to improvise and he put on a wig and then I had to improvise and then…er… it’s not something I really want to talk about any more… thinking about it… so if you don’t mind I’ll just carry on washing these…err… pans.

Marge: Let’s get this straight, some up herself precious princess who thinks she can act is coming in here to play me? Not likely. What you need is a real woman behind this counter. Someone with a bit of meat on their bones. Actresses? F**k ‘em, I’m off to the chippy.

Elizabeth: I is already star in the American Republic of

USA

. The peoples from my homeland always is mistaking me for that Courtneys Cock of Feinds. We have the same hair. Okay, I sold my hair for food and they use it for the extensions on Courtneys Cock. Or so I am believing. It’s true. Why would I make it up?

Deal or no deal?

2007-02-27T13:49:00.000Z

No deal, Noel. Balls!!

Dear The Writers,

Thanks you so much for the above script that you sent to Zai Bennett last month.

Unfortunately it’s just not right for our channel so we will have to pass on this occasion. We wish you the best of luck in getting in produced.

Kind regards,

Charli

Don't worry, we're not done with yet. Oh no siree.

Delicious on...Bank Charges

2007-02-15T13:43:00.000Z

The writers of Delicious admire people who can rip off a big conglomerate without hurting anyone. A good scam makes us feel warm inside knowing one of the little people, no not leprechauns, that’s just silly, but one of us, as in you and me, has taken one of the big boys for a ride and come up trumps.

However when one of the big boys scams the little people (that’s you and I, not the leprechauns) and screws us, it’s just not funny. Banks make more than enough money as it is without them making even more by charging us extortionate bank ‘charges’. So, they charge something in the region of £40 for not paying a DD or a cheque? Where do they get this figure from? We, your hosts and writers, have no idea either so we thought we’d ask the Delicious team if they knew.

The Writers: It's a conspiracy. A bit like the Kennedy assassination, or 9/11, or Noel Edmonds getting back on the television. There's a group of very powerful people controlling everything and the high bank charge is on their list. You can tell who these people are by the clothes they wear. Suits. Look for people in suits. They're the ones to blame. As for the Edmonds conspiracy we think Ant & Dec had a hand in that.

Harvey: £40 for a bounced payment? Outrageous! Do you know how many litres of vino you could buy with £40? Lots and lots that’s how much. Something should be done about it. What, I don’t know, but £40 worth of wine just wasted…well that just makes my blood boil. There’s people starving in Africa who could do with a good drink just so they can forget their troubles, and what do the banks do? Pour it down the drain that’s what. Well I’m going to start the ball rolling and get a petition up. Just as soon as I’ve finished this brandy.

Kate: If banks want to charge as much as £100 that’s okay with me. I’ve never, never been overdrawn in my life. Organisation of your own finances is all that’s needed. A calculator and a steely reserve are all you need to control your credit rating. The nerve of some people. Honestly.

Matt: F***ing banks! As if I don’t have enough to worry about. What do they know about food? Nothing that’s what? What do I know about banks? Nothing that’s what! Now f*** off! I’ve got a dozen lemon tortes about to turn.

Marge: I’ve only got a basic bank account. I’m not allowed direct debits or standing orders or a cheque book or a cheque guarantee card or a credit card. I’m not allowed nothing. I’ve got a Freeman’s catalogue though.

Olli: Yeah I’ve been bounced a few times. Well it’s hard to manage your finances on what I earn but one thing I've learned is that sacrifices have to be made. Okay, I’ll write a cheque knowing there’s not enough in my account to cover it but moisturiser is so important in my game it really is. Look at me. Do you see any dryness? Any cracks? No you can’t and that’s because I spend my money on the best skin care you can buy. Okay it’s not always my money but sometimes you have to make sacrifices. I’m happy to pay the charges if it means looking as good as this.

Voyto: Bank charges? Don’t get them. Why? I have an arrangement with my bank manager and it really is none of your business. A boy’s gotta do what a boy’s gotta do.

Elizabeth: I only gets paid cash in the hand. Walls have eyes. Enough said.

Delicious on...

2007-02-09T20:16:00.000Z

Howdy!

We're starting a new feature here on the Delicious blog called 'Delicious on...' It's your chance to hear the team discuss all the topical and social issues that affect our workaday lives. Bet you can't wait huh?

So without further ado, here's the first in the series...

Delicious on...Celebrity

2007-02-09T20:15:00.000Z

Mmm, I wonder what the guys and gals of Delicious will have to say about the crazy mixed up neurotic world of the celebrity?

The Writers: Wow, this is weird. We normally ask the questions and here we are asking and answering at the same time. It's like we're interviewing ourselves. Bet Parky's never done that. I bet Parky hasn't even got a blog. Or a MySpace page. Oh hang on, he might have one of those. We'll check on that. Probably wouldn't actually be him if he has. God's got a MySpace page and there's no way it could be him. That's just ridiculous. Everyone knows God hasn't got internet access. Mind you, he might use an internet cafe. You can never be sure can you? Anyway, celebrity you say? Err, yeah, nothing wrong in it I suppose. Just a bunch of famous people really. Doesn't do any harm. Is that okay or did you want a bit more?

Harvey: Ooh, I love celebrity. Yeah, it's great. Some of my heroes are celebrities. Oliver Reed, George Best. Apparently both men had vast wine cellars full of booze but unfortunately they drank themselves into an early grave. Such a waste. And it's a shame they're dead too.

Kate: Well, I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone in the public eye. Celebrity can do strange things to the human psyche. Mess you up it can. Odious people, celebrities. Each one with a bigger ego than the next. Vermin. Scum. Urrgh, horrid. However, if they need a quality caterers for one of their tacky weddings, Delicious Dishes are available for bookings.

Matt: For a start, the word celebrity and the word chef shouldn't go together. Celebrities shouldn't be chefs. Jamie Oliver isn't either. Look at his school dinners. What chef in their right mind would cook that crap for kids? A quality children's lunch should consist of Ballottine of foie gras marinated in white port, followed by Tortellini of sea bass, smoked ham and scallops, fennel and vanilla purée. And that's just the basics. Don't insult the profession and get him off my f**king television.

Voyto: It's all a bit vulgar isn't it? I mean, would you actually want what they've got? You know, the vast amounts of money, the constantly going to glamorous parties and drinking expensive bubbly. Then there's the fast cars, the penthouse apartments, the designer clothes, endless sex under satin sheets oh god I want to be famous!! When do the auditions for X-Factor start?

Elizabeth: Celebrity? Why I asks? Man and lady are meant to have the sex. Why is anyone wanting to make vow of celebrity. Clint Richard, he makes vow of celebrity. Stupid!

Marge: Tossers. All of 'em.

Olli: I'm glad we're getting to talk about this because in a way I'm a celebrity. I've not been in Heat magazine or anything but lots of people know me. Okay, they don't know me as in know my name, and they probably wouldn't recognise my face either, but people know bits of me. My hands have been in a promotional video and my testicles are in an anatomy book. I guess if I walk around with my balls in my hand I might get recognised. Maybe I should book a table at The Ivy? What do you reckon?

Neglects, we've had a few...

2007-01-31T14:32:00.000Z

Sorry about the lack of posts over the last few weeks, we've been over at our MySpace page making friends and pestering people. We're pleased to say that William Shatner has become an acquaintance of ours, as has Jesus and Ava Gardner. We reckon at least two of these people are dead. Our money is on the Son of God and Shatner.

Anyway, one question that's being asked is what comedy do we like? Well, we like the funny kind. Jokes and that. Our faves include: Dad's Army, Alan Partridge, The Day Today, Mind Your Language, Jade's PA and Crimewatch. All classics and all influential on our work. So where does 'Delicious' fit in with the genre? We like to think it sits firmly in the character driven camp. Not camp as in Mr. Humphries in 'Are You Being Served'. Camp as in Butlins. Or Camp X-Ray. A comedy camp for characters held against their will for crimes they didn't commit. Like the A-Team in that respect.

Yes, 'Delicious' is a crack comedy unit sent to a military prison in Guantanamo Bay for terrorist activity that potentially could be a threat to national security.

Hmm, maybe that's not the best pitch to use. We'll work on it.

Delicious Q&A - Elizabeth

2007-01-20T12:51:00.000Z

One more Q&A session to go and we've left the best for last. Saying that, we actually interviewed Liz a few times but couldn't make head nor tail of what she was saying. But being the troopers that your writers and hosts are, we gave it one last shot.

We found Elizabeth practicing her scales in the kitchen of Delicious Dishes. And we don’t mean the weighing type....

The Writers: Hi Liz!

Elizabeth: So so so so so la la la la la te te te te do do do do me me me me me…

TW: Sorry to interrupt but what are you doing?

E: I is practicing for Big Brother Jungle X Factory audition. I have voice of an angle. No?

TW: Angel.

E: Whatever. I is good? No?

TW: No. Liz we were just curious, your name. It’s not very Croatian is it?

E: What? You think I picked this name? I was far too young when christened to pick my own name. You stupid blokes you. Imagine.

TW: But a more common Croatian name would be Vanya or Vita or…

E: Thank you. You are so very kind.

TW: For what exactly?

E: For saying I is not common. You know when Cecil. B. DeMill said to me on set of big melodrama chick flick “Baby, look common. Look into camera and try to be pitiful wafer girl” I could not. I had too much glass.

TW: Class.

E: No, glass. I had too much of the tipple and I told him straight.

TW: Cecil B DeMill?

E: Him too. I said I cannot do common I can only do what I can do and that should be enough. My fans adore me as I am. I cannot be something I cannot be.

TW: Err…right Elizabeth. Look we’re almost done here…

E: But I’m ready for my closing up.

TW: And so are we Liz. Goodbye.

Delicious Q&A - Matt

2007-01-15T10:12:00.000Z

It's been hard work getting in touch with the 'Delicious' team over the festive break. They've been busy catering and making sure there's enough food and drink available. And that's just for Harvey's lunch.

Anyway, we finally caught up with Matt. He's the Gordon Ramsey of 'Delicious', only with more swearing. He was busy cheffing in the kitchen when we barged in without warning...

The Writers: Hi there, Matt.

Matt: Pass me that pan!

TW: Err, which one? There's a few.

M: Oh come on!! Eggs Benedict. What would you use?

TW: Well, definitely eggs.

M: No! What pan?!

TW: A big one?

M: Oh for fu... I'll get it myself.

TW: Mind if we ask a few questions while you cook?

M: Cook? Cook? I create. Mouthwatering delicacies to be exact. Not that anyone around here appreciates what I do.

TW: Are you thinking of taking your talents elsewhere?

M: I should. Some of the top restaurants in London are after me you know.

TW: Really? Which ones?

M: Top restaurants.

TW: Yeah, we get that. But which ones?

M: Top ones.

TW: Name them.

M: Look, is this going to take long? I'm up to my eyes and everyone else has gone on a break. Didn't ask me if I wanted one though. Oh no. Just leave Matt to do all the work.

TW: Yeah, we're due a break soon. Fancy making us a spot of lunch?

M: I suppose. What do you want?

TW: Burgers and chips, please. To go.

M: Burgers and chips?

TW: To go.

M: Do I look like someone who makes burgers and chips?

TW: You look like a chef. They make food.

M: NOT BURGERS AND BLOODY CHIPS!!!

TW: We're sensing a little aggression in your voice.

M: GET OUT! GET OUT!

TW: I think we'll leave you to it. Burger King is just down the road.

(At this point Matt grabbed a meat cleaver and took it to a french stick. We left. Quickly.)

Comin' atcha!

2007-01-07T15:34:00.000Z

Zai Bennett is the next man with a reservation. He's the controller of ITV2 and in the market for new comedy so let's hope we can wet his appetite. We're plating up a nice portion of 'Delicious' for him so go and wash your hands before you sit up at the table, please.

Okay that's enough eating references for now.

Happy 2007!

2007-01-02T19:06:00.000Z

It's a new year and we've started it off in style with a rejection letter:

Dear 'The Writers',

Thanks for sending your script dated 24th October 2006 and sorry to have taken so long to get back to you. Mock The Week was suddenly re-commissioned for January so I've unexpectedly been up to my eyeballs throughout November and December.

While I enjoyed reading your script 'Delicious' it is not exactly the kind of material I am looking to develop at the moment. I do however wish you all the best with it and hope you have a very happy new year.

With best wishes,
Dan Patterson.

Oh well, we wish him all the best with the new series of Mock The Week....

You're waiting for a nasty comment about him aren't you?

Still waiting?

Well tough. You ain't getting one. We handle rejection like true gentlemen. Good luck, Dan.

Yuletide Greetings

2006-12-23T12:28:00.000Z

"Jingle bells, Batman smells, da da dah dada..."

It's christmas everybody (in case you hadn't noticed) and we've been rushed off our feet wrapping presents and gigging our unique brand of comedy around the old folk's homes. Not that we were invited to but you shouldn't forget the coffin dodgers at this time of year people - they need laughter too.

As this is our last post of 2006 we thought we'd put up some feedback about the first three episodes of 'Delicious' given to us by Jane Harrison. She writes funny stuff for '8 out of 10 Cats' on Channel 4 and, apart from the nasty chewing gum habit, she's also a very nice lady.

Here's what she said:

Episode One - a very skillful introduction to the series. I liked the way the characters and their many neuroses were introduced without being signposted - it felt natural straight away. The story isn't pushed to the fore so that the characters can be established, but it bubbles away nicely under the surface and brilliantly sets up the themes that affect the major arc, ie. Harvey's drinking and its potential to screw up the business. Some good laugh out loud moments (and good North/South divide stuff. North forever!).

Episode Two - Lovely bit of insight into Kate in this episode, and I particularly chortled at the mozzarella=testicles scenes. Too true. I think the characters are fleshed out more, as they should be - ie. Matt's talented, Kate's fears, Harvey's stuttering nervousness. The beats between Kate and Harvey provided a bit of gravitas that all comedy needs. Little bit of pathos never did any body any harm, and the script benefits from it. The introduction of Voyto felt natural as in Episode 1 and I like that (as fleshed out in episode 3) he's not just a stereotype but plays a part to mess with the others. Simple Simon is a good touch - I want to see more of the competition because there's an interesting relationship there. The misunderstanding at the end is very well written - a different style that works.

Episode Three - Great opening joke, mainly because I had an idea similar myself once but not nearly as dramatic or funny. What I like about this episode is that we start to see the characters' weaknesses and strengths, which to me signals that the series as a whole develops and progresses at a rate any writer would hope for. Matt's reaction to Ronnie is humourous but threatened and the inevitability of Harvey's drinking landing him in the shit is brilliantly recognised in an original and unexpected way. I hope that Elizabeth's prostitution 'tall tale' turns out to be true, because it would bring another dimension to her character which may otherwise be lacking. A really strong end to the episode with the looming of Fatima (is she a blimp? I want her to be a blimp).

There you go. Thanks Jane and a very merry christmas time to you.

And a merry christmas to each and every one of you. See you in 2007 - the year of 'Delicious'. Or is it the year of the rat?

Delicious Q&A - Voyto

2006-12-09T13:50:00.000Z

These Q&A sessions are a bit like buses. You wait ages for one to turn up and when it does it's full of kids and expensive. And someone's vomitted on the only seat that's free so you end up standing. What's that about?

Anyway, it’s Voyto’s turn to be probed by the two of us so it’s off to the only gay bar in the village to meet the man with the tongue of razor blades. We find him sitting alone amid a pub full of leather clad, middle-aged skin heads. Or maybe they were just bald with dodgy tastes in clothes...

The Writers: You must be Voyto. Hi!

Voyto: Well you’re not quite what I was expecting.

TW: Pardon?

V: I asked the agency for muscle. You both look like you couldn’t pick up a toothpick without giving yourselves a hernia. Oh well beggars can’t be choosers I suppose. And don’t expect me to buy you a drink. Time is money and my place is just around….

TW: Errr…we’re here for the interview?

V: . Thought I’d wasted the best part of fifty quid. Well get on with it, I’m expecting some ‘friends’ to drop by.

TW: Yes, quite. Voyto, what is it with you and the more mature customers who visit Delicious Dishes?

V: Ha! Don’t get me started. Look sweetie, old people have no place at Delicious. Meals on Wheels and M&S ready made’s are all they need. It’s all done for them and they don’t even have to chew a lot. In fact they don’t even have to leave their homes. It can all be delivered.

TW: Hmm, but that doesn’t explain why you dislike them so much. Are you afraid that one day you’ll end up like them. Is that it?

V: What are you saying? Are you saying I’m old? Look at me!

TW: We’re looking Voyto. There’s no need to raise your voice.

V: I’m a boy. A babe still in my prime. Look closer. Do you see any wrinkles? Well do you?

TW: Voyto, you look great for your age now calm down please.

V: For my age!? What do you mean? Oh God I feel faint. I’ve never been so insulted. Get out you complete bastards get out!

(At this point we made our excuses and left. But not before we were asked out on three dates.)

Delicious Q&A - Kate

2006-12-04T14:53:00.000Z

Sorry to keep you waiting. How've you been? Us? Rather busy thanks for asking, hence why it's taken so long to set up the next Q&A session with a member of the 'Delicious' team. Meet Kate. She runs the show from the office of 'Delicious Dishes' and is very busy and important. I'm sure she'll have a few spare minutes for us though....

The Writers: Hi Kate! Got a minute?

Kate: For what exactly?

TW: The Q&A sessions thing. With us. Your hosts and writers?

K: Did you make an appointment?

TW: Harvey said to just drop by.

K: Oh did he now? I'll have a word with him about that.

TW: Has he done wrong?

K: Nothing but.

TW: Oh. He speaks highly of you.

K: Really? What did he say?

TW: That you were good at your job.

K: Anything else?

TW: Erm, you're professional.

K: And?

TW: And....we think he fancies you.

K: Don't be ridiculous! He knows I'm with Gavin. We're just good friends, Harvey and me. Fancy me indeed. I've never heard anything like it......What makes you think that?

TW: Oh you know. Blokes. We get chatting about birds and that and you're a bit of alright...

K: 'Birds'? I'm a 'bit of alright'?

TW: Sorry. Ladies. And err, you're very attractive. Anyway, things get said after a few drinks...

K: So it was the drink talking! Why doesn't that surprise me when Harvey's about.

TW: No, no, no. It was only a few friendly lemonades in the local.

K: Lemonades? With what? Brandy?

TW: Perhaps.

K: Well, if you don't mind I'm a bit busy so...

TW: Can't we just ask a few questions about the business?

K: Not now. Make another appointment.

TW: Oh, okay. Fancy a drink after work then?

K: Are you two still here?

TW: No. Bye, Kate.

I just can't wait

2006-11-26T19:03:00.000Z

So yet again we, your writers and hosts, have been snowed under with another avalanche of queries about what happened Thursday night. Well mum, I can tell you…nothing at all. Apart from whatshisname getting evicted from ‘I’m a Celebrity…’ that was the most exciting thing to happen. We were hoping it was going to be Screeming Leeming but you can’t have everything I suppose.

So, no news is good news as they say and this is…err…this is good news. Anyway, a new week beckons where we'll be hoping for more of the same. But with more action. And contracts. And world peace.

Delicious Q&A - Olli

2006-11-25T13:20:00.000Z

It's the weekend! So what better way to celebrate than with another Q&A session with a member of the 'Delicious' team. Meet Olli. He was looking at himself in the mirror when we dropped by the kitchen...

The Writers: What's up Olli, nose bleed?

Olli: Oh hi! Nose bleed? With this nose? Have you seen my nose?

TW: Looking at it right now.

O: A nose like this wouldn't bleed. I've got the perfect nose apparently.

TW: Never mind that. What's it like being a Kitchen Porter?

O: Kitchen Porter? I think of myself as part of a chain. I’m one of the links, without me Delicious Dishes would collapse quicker than…than…

TW: A soufflé?

O: Yeah, anyway you being here is great practice for me you know.

TW: Really? You want to be a reporter?

O: No, but when I become the next face of Heat Magazine I’m going to have to do hundreds of interviews and stuff. Tell me, what do you think is my best side, left or right?

TW: We're the ones asking the questions, Olli.

O: Sorry. Hey! I’m up for a Strepsil ad next week. I’ve got the perfect tongue for it. Do you want to see my tongue?

TW: No.

O: It’s going to be great. Picture this, I’m kneeling, bare-chested and blindfolded. I’m holding my throat in agony and special effects have a red glow around my throat. I open my mouth and a Strepsil Lozenger appears on my tongue. I start to suck it and the red glow disappears. I throw away my blindfold, it’s obviously symbolic, and stand up ready to face the world.

TW: Sounds..err..great. Have you filmed it yet?

O: Not quite. I’ve had a few rehearsals with the director. It was funny though.

TW: What, you made a few mistakes?

O: No. I’m at his place bare-chested and blindfolded. He has his camcorder all ready and I stick my tongue out but do you know what?

TW: We’re listening.

O: Didn’t quite taste like a Strepsil Lozenger.

TW: Thanks Olli. We think we’ve heard enough.

Nuggets

2006-11-23T19:42:00.000Z

Word up! We've been busy this week replying to all those emails that keep flooding in from Nigeria. Wow! We really have gone global. But one question has cropped up more than once and that's "How do you write comedy?" - We can only assume this malicious email to be one of those irritating 'spam' jobs but we'll endeavour to answer it nonetheless.

Writing for comedy can be achieved in two ways, one easy, the other even easier....

Between us (your writers and hosts), we have nearly 80 years 'life' experience and collectively can claim to have celebrated near on 100 christmasesseses (we can't count those where we were too young to appreciate it or those where we were too pissed to remember). Now, as you know, christmas brings with it a special gift....the gift of the cracker. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Once a year. And we've been saving them up. And as you'll learn, the rewards are well worth the time and effort.

Yes friends, inside that cracker is pure comedy gold. No, not the paper hat. That's limited to one joke - the 'placing as many as you can on a sleeping grandparent and taking a photo joke'. We're talking about the joke in the cracker. At first glance it's a tired pun or a knock-knock classic but in reality these mini moments of mirth are a comedic writer's food and drink. Simply take the joke in whatever form it comes and spin a yarn around it. Bingo! Before you know it you've written a comedy series and you're relaxing in the Bahamas on your big yacht bought from the profits of DVD sales in Asia. Simple. Just sit back and enjoy the ride. Easy street baby!

However, we understand that some of you don't have the time for this route so if you don't fancy that and want the quick fix, the other option is to buy one of the many teach-yourself books on the market. We favour the one below. Now if we can just find an audience of mannequins it'll be Tesco Finest range all the way....

(See what we did there with the play on the title? Brilliant! You can't write this stuff.)

N.B. - This book is not available from any good book shops at all. None. You can't get it at the bad ones either.

Have you got a moment....

2006-11-21T11:49:00.000Z

Did you know 83% of people questioned in an opinion poll believe opinion polls are made up by marketing companies? No? Nor did we. But who cares? Not us. We’re just too busy getting the Delicious scripts out there to think about such trivial matters.

And talking about getting the scripts out there, a certain lady has promised some feedback this Thursday. She big, she’s huge and no, she’s not Vanessa Feltz. Just a very nice lady who happens to know what’s she’s talking about. Will let you all know on Thursday night. Until then…read the scripts.

Delicious Q&A - Marge

2006-11-17T19:29:00.000Z

Blimey, doesn't time fly. Only seems like the other day that we started our Q&A sessions with the cast of 'Delicious'. So, in case you were getting withdrawal symptoms, here's the next one with Marge. She works in the deli shop and is quite the force to be reckoned with. We're not afraid to admit that we felt a little intimidated so thought it best to try the friendly breezy approach...

The Writers: Hiya Marge!

Marge: Do I know you?

TW: We're here for the interview.

M: Oh, that. Come on then, I haven't got all day.

TW: Yes, yes. Erm, we've got some...questions...written down somewhere. Sorry about this.

M: Bloody amateurs.

TW: Right, here they are. Okay. Now then Marge, there was a time when people wanted simple food but now their tastes are more cosmopolitan. From what we've heard you don't believe that. Why are you so against change?

M: If folk want cosmopolitan they can pick up the magazine. Food is food and there's nowt wrong with chips.

TW: But Delicious Dishes offers so much more than your basic fare, they offer choice adventure, they push taste buds to the limit. What's wrong with a bit of diversity?

M: You're boring me now.

TW: What is your problem?

M: You. Now f**k off.

TW: There’s no need to be so rude.

M: Yes there is.

TW: Why?

M: Because.

TW: Because?

M: Because I like being rude. Anyway where I come from it’s called being honest. You poncy southerners are too precious for your own good. I call a spade a spade.

TW: And Salmon en Croute is just…err…fish pie?

M: You got it.

TW: Okay, moving on. Where do you see yourself in 10 years time?

M: Oooh let me think….picture this - I’ll be catering to an exclusive clientele. Serving the finest sautéed potatoes in olive oil seasoned with organic rock salt and white wine vinegar, petit pois and delicately battered wild North Sea Cod.

TW: So a chippy then.

M: Go to the top of the class. I’m off to get me back waxed.

TW: See ya, Marge!

M: Cock off!

Who's ya daddy?

2006-11-16T20:17:00.000Z

Over at Delicious Towers....well...more Delicious Mid-Terrace Dwelling really, our inbox has been literally inundated with an email asking a very important question - 'who've you sent the scripts to so far?'

Well, to answer that we've compiled a list. It's not comprehensive and the names that appear are in no particular order of preference; we like them all as human beings and producers. In the not too distant future we'll regale you with stories of how we got the scripts into the hands of the people that matter but for now our legal team are making sure we've not broken any laws. Stay tuned.

BBC
Dan Patterson (Angst Productions)
Pozzitive Television
Tiger Aspect
Hattrick Productions
Talkback
The Comedy Unit
Avalon

Delicious Q&A - Harvey

2006-11-14T00:51:00.000Z

So, here's the first of our Q&A sessions with the 'Delicious' team. First up is Harvey, the owner of 'Delicious Dishes'. We caught up with him at his home. Unfortunately he wasn't there so we went to nearest pub and lo' and behold......

The Writers: Hey, Harvey. How's it going?

Harvey: Ooh, a brandy please.

TW: We were just asking how you are.

H: And what better way to ask than with a drink?

TW: Err, yeah. Okay.

(a brief moment passes as we order up a brandy, two pints of Kaliber and some porkie scratchings)

TW: Okay, Harvey, what's it like running 'Delicious Dishes'?

H: It's tough. You know, really tough. Well, I think it is. To be honest I leave all that to Kate. Have you met Kate?

TW: Not yet, no.

H: Oh she's lovely. A real gem. Very clever too. And beautiful. She has such wonderful posture. I reckon she could've been a dancer. Maybe a ballerina or....

TW: Can we get on with the interview?

H: Yes, of course. Sorry. Shall we have another drink? I find it relaxes me.

TW: Err, okay. Is it...

H: Your round, yes. I think it is.

TW: Right.

(brief moment to order a brandy. A double.)

TW: Tell us about your cooking style.

H: Hmm, I was taught by one of the best. Can't remember his name but he was good. Really good. So I guess my style reflects his.

TW: What was his style then?

H: Can't remember that either.

TW: Do you have a signature dish maybe?

H: No, no, no. I'm a jack of all trades. All my dishes are signature dishes. But I do a cracking trifle. Loads of brandy in it.

TW: We'd never have guessed.

H: Speaking of which...

TW: Another?

H: Why not.

(a few drinks later)

TW: Do you think you should slow down on those?

H: Oh but the night is young dear boys!

TW: Yeah, two o'clock in the afternoon young.

H: Eeeexactly. Shall we put some music on? They've a jukebox here.

TW: We'd rather ask you some questions.

H: Come on, dance with me. Let's saaamba!

TW: We have to go now.

H: Nice to meet you. To meet you....nice! Hahahaha!

TW: Very good.

Up, up and awaaaaay

2006-11-12T17:58:00.000Z

Hello and thanks for dropping by. This is the inaugural post for the yet to be produced sitcom 'Delicious'. We, your hosts and writers, are looking to get this on a television screen near you and with your help and support we can do just that.

All six episodes of the series have been completed so if you're in the industry and want to see any of them then use the contact details in the sidebar. It's on the left there. Just scroll around a bit. We can then email or post a hard copy to you. Or, if you prefer, we'll deliver them by hand and wait in a non-threatening manner by your side as you read it. The rottweilers will stand by your side in a non-threatening manner as well.

Your thoughts are important to us and your constructive comments can only help to make this a success. If you think it’s the biggest load of crap you’ve ever read then we'll post your quote. We won’t sue, honest. We may cry a little, but that’s all. On the other hand if you think 'Delicious' is the best comedy you’ve ever read then we'll post that quote too. Then you can just send us an easy to get out of contract and a fat cheque. Simple.

So, over the next few posts we'll be telling you about our progress, sharing our successes and crying on your shoulders at our failures. Hope that's okay? We'll also be doing a Q&A session with each of the characters from the series so you can get to know them and the world of 'Delicious'. (Yes we know they're made up. Just go with it.)

That's all for now. Feel free to comment on the posts using the 'comment' link below or get in touch using the 'contact us' form in the sidebar.

Thank you. You're very nice.