Thank you! Thank you!

Phew! We, your writers and hosts, just wanted to say thank you for your patience while we took a longer than usual break from posting news about our sitcom, Delicious. As Writers and Producers (yeah, we know it sound pretentious but…) we needed to take a bit of a back seat while the really clever people got on doing whatever they do to make this pilot look something like a…err…pilot. But that’s just it you see, it’s not really a pilot, it’s a sort of introduction to the characters of Delicious. So if you are expecting some sort of sitcom then you're in for a disappointment. The sitcom comes later when some bright producer, yes there are a few out there, sees the potential of the characters in the DVD and wakes us up at five in the morning banging on our doors with a golden handcuffs contract and a lawyer with a suitcase full of used £20 notes begging us to sign on the dotted line. Do they still have dotted lines? Do lawyers and producers bang on writer's doors at five in the morning? Probably not, but we like the sound of the handcuffs if they're available….ahem…. sorry, we digress.

This whole thing could not have started without the goodwill of everyone involved, and there were quite a few:

• the bloke that tells everyone what he wants
  
• the person that shouts at everyone on behalf of that bloke
  
• the people that read the scripts and then say the words
  
• the owner of the place we filmed in
  
• that geezer we used with a camera on his shoulder
  
• matey with all the lights
  
• the fella with the fuzzy thing on the end of a pole
  

The list goes on an on and on. They've probably got proper job titles but we wouldn't have a clue about that. All we know is that they're all talented individuals and we are very grateful that those involved, after reading the scripts, decided to put their reputations on the line to help us realise our dream. We thank you all.

Coming soon will be reaction from the Delicious Dishes team. God help us.

Have we got news for you?

Have we? Oh yeah. Big news. We've been filming with cameras and lights and everything. It's so exciting that we can't find the words right now but we'll be back soon with a full report. And no doubt the Delicious team will have their say about seeing themselves portrayed on film. That's if we can find them. Last thing we saw of Harvey he was enjoying himself at the wrap party. Not that there was a wrap party but any excuse for a drink and Harvey's there.

Y'all come back now!

Oscar

Since we told the guys and gals at Delicious Dishes that we're planning to make stars of them they've gone all poncy and Hollywood on us and are unwilling to communicate unless it's through their agents. This has meant a lack of posts as we, your hosts and writers, have been left holding the baby. Not a real baby, we've been told off about doing that before, more of a catering baby. Harvey and the gang have left us in charge of the shop while they "raise their profile".

We've also been left holding another baby. A comedy baby if you like. 'Delicious' the showreel is in pre-production with lots of exciting things happening which we don't fully understand because we're just namby-pamby writers who sit at our computers all day drinking Gin and looking at the internet. As soon as we've grasped the inner workings of television production we'll post about it. In the meantime, we've a queue of angry customers wanting their ham and brie baguettes so best get back to it.

Cheerio!

Premium

Just got a call from ITV2 to say the reason they've not taken on Delicious is because we'd attached a premium rate phone line to each episode so viewers can vote out a character. Apparently they don't do that sort of thing anymore. Once again our timing is crap.

If you'd like to hear that call then pick up your phones and dial 0999 999 999. Calls cost a bloody fortune but you'll definitely hear it. No really, you will. Honest.

Delicious on...Themselves

Okay so we’ve written the scripts, we’ve sent them out, we’ve twiddled our thumbs and waited…and waited…and er…waited. So apart from the odd ‘Thank you but’ letter/email we, your writers and hosts, have decided to do something more positive to take Delicious that one step further in getting it to a screen near you. Okay, that’s a TV screen but you get the picture?

We know producers have a limited imagination, hell, have you seen some of the drivel that passes for entertainment these days? So we're going to shoot a few scenes from each episode using a real Deli and yes, some real actors too. That’s clever that is. We plan to send this compilation off, along with the scripts so said producers can actually see what Delicious would look like. Let’s face it, they need all the help they can get. We wonder what the Delicious team would make of all this….


The Writers: Well talk about a cat amongst the pigeons! We’ve just let the team know actors will be coming in to play them on tape. Talk about conceited! No, we’ll let them do that.

Harvey: An actor playing me? Who? Has to be someone tall, dark and handsome yes? Come on, who is it? There’s Clooney I suppose or else that Bond Craig bloke in the shorts. Shorts aren’t good in a kitchen. Too much hot fat around. Can’t be him can it? He’s not tall and dark for a start but then neither am I. I’m good with shorts though. Vodka, gin, brandy. Sometimes I drink them in separate glasses too. I wonder what a Martini tastes like.

Kate: I’m sorry but I’d have to get full approval before you can get someone to play me. She would have to know her lines. Not some airhead who blows it at every take. No, she will have to be classically trained of course. A younger Judi Dench for example. Send me a list and I’ll let you know my decision when I have a window free.

Voyto: Jude Law. And he would have to move in with me to study my every move. To get my mannerisms just so of course. I’m very complicated. Yes, I think Jude would have to live with me for at least three weeks before he would be ready. That’s three weeks. Night AND day.

Matt: Actors? They make me puke! What do they know about food eh? Have you seen any convincing actors playing chefs? No one springs to mind do they? Didn’t think so. Now piss off. Mind you thinking about it, my ex said I reminded her of Sean Bean once. She kept calling me Mr Bean so yeah, maybe he’ll do. But he’d better not do any of my signature dishes. If he so much as touches one of my recipes, I’ll rip his poncy actorish head off. And you can tell him I said that!

Olli: I’m playing me. There’s no one else who can do it with my unique style. I’ll be good, I really will. I did this audition once, it was for Lady Chatterly’s Lover and I was to play Mellors but the actress playing Lady Chatterly didn’t turn up so the director had to improvise and he put on a wig and then I had to improvise and then…er… it’s not something I really want to talk about any more… thinking about it… so if you don’t mind I’ll just carry on washing these…err… pans.

Marge: Let’s get this straight, some up herself precious princess who thinks she can act is coming in here to play me? Not likely. What you need is a real woman behind this counter. Someone with a bit of meat on their bones. Actresses? F**k ‘em, I’m off to the chippy.

Elizabeth: I is already star in the American Republic of USA. The peoples from my homeland always is mistaking me for that Courtneys Cock of Feinds. We have the same hair. Okay, I sold my hair for food and they use it for the extensions on Courtneys Cock. Or so I am believing. It’s true. Why would I make it up?

Deal or no deal?

No deal, Noel. Balls!!

Dear The Writers,

Thanks you so much for the above script that you sent to Zai Bennett last month.

Unfortunately it’s just not right for our channel so we will have to pass on this occasion. We wish you the best of luck in getting in produced.

Kind regards,

Charli

Don't worry, we're not done with yet. Oh no siree.

Delicious on...Bank Charges

The writers of Delicious admire people who can rip off a big conglomerate without hurting anyone. A good scam makes us feel warm inside knowing one of the little people, no not leprechauns, that’s just silly, but one of us, as in you and me, has taken one of the big boys for a ride and come up trumps.

However when one of the big boys scams the little people (that’s you and I, not the leprechauns) and screws us, it’s just not funny. Banks make more than enough money as it is without them making even more by charging us extortionate bank ‘charges’. So, they charge something in the region of £40 for not paying a DD or a cheque? Where do they get this figure from? We, your hosts and writers, have no idea either so we thought we’d ask the Delicious team if they knew.

The Writers: It's a conspiracy. A bit like the Kennedy assassination, or 9/11, or Noel Edmonds getting back on the television. There's a group of very powerful people controlling everything and the high bank charge is on their list. You can tell who these people are by the clothes they wear. Suits. Look for people in suits. They're the ones to blame. As for the Edmonds conspiracy we think Ant & Dec had a hand in that.

Harvey: £40 for a bounced payment? Outrageous! Do you know how many litres of vino you could buy with £40? Lots and lots that’s how much. Something should be done about it. What, I don’t know, but £40 worth of wine just wasted…well that just makes my blood boil. There’s people starving in Africa who could do with a good drink just so they can forget their troubles, and what do the banks do? Pour it down the drain that’s what. Well I’m going to start the ball rolling and get a petition up. Just as soon as I’ve finished this brandy.

Kate: If banks want to charge as much as £100 that’s okay with me. I’ve never, never been overdrawn in my life. Organisation of your own finances is all that’s needed. A calculator and a steely reserve are all you need to control your credit rating. The nerve of some people. Honestly.

Matt: F***ing banks! As if I don’t have enough to worry about. What do they know about food? Nothing that’s what? What do I know about banks? Nothing that’s what! Now f*** off! I’ve got a dozen lemon tortes about to turn.

Marge: I’ve only got a basic bank account. I’m not allowed direct debits or standing orders or a cheque book or a cheque guarantee card or a credit card. I’m not allowed nothing. I’ve got a Freeman’s catalogue though.

Olli: Yeah I’ve been bounced a few times. Well it’s hard to manage your finances on what I earn but one thing I've learned is that sacrifices have to be made. Okay, I’ll write a cheque knowing there’s not enough in my account to cover it but moisturiser is so important in my game it really is. Look at me. Do you see any dryness? Any cracks? No you can’t and that’s because I spend my money on the best skin care you can buy. Okay it’s not always my money but sometimes you have to make sacrifices. I’m happy to pay the charges if it means looking as good as this.

Voyto: Bank charges? Don’t get them. Why? I have an arrangement with my bank manager and it really is none of your business. A boy’s gotta do what a boy’s gotta do.

Elizabeth: I only gets paid cash in the hand. Walls have eyes. Enough said.